Friday, February 17, 2006

T, N, M

how did i get this wrong?

dr bromberg said on tuesday that i'm T1 N1 M0 - i thought i was N2??
it stands for TUMOR size, lymph NODES positive for BC (i had 2 nodes which registers as N1), zero METASTESES. to be honest, i don't even know if i have THIS part right. i am usually the type of person that does her research. loads of knitting books, books on writing, dictionaries, etc. but when msk told me to stop reading stuff, perhaps i went too far.
but it is also my selective memory. every time someone asked how many treatments of chemo i was doing, i could not remember.

today was so FRIGID and i was totally underdressed (that means only 2 shirts and a cashmere sweater, scarf, headscarf, hat, kneelength down jacket w/hood) and watch the giant pillow fight at union square. it was so silly and fun to watch for about .3 seconds, but the girls and i were ice.

it's saturday nite. why do i feel sooo crappy? i didn't even have the neulasta shot this time and i am super achey, cranky...i bet some of this is due to my inertia thruout this. even when i was feeling well, i didn't go to the gym. i walked etc., but i can barely go up subway stairs w/out huffing and puffing. my goal for this wk is to go "workout" several times - aka, sit on a recumbent bike and read a book.

actually, i'm reading lance armstrong's "it's not about the bike" - sent from my very kind neighbors/fellow moms. i don't want to diss it after it came so highly recommended, but so far i think he sounds kind of obnoxious. it could be the co-authorship too - so many things just don't sound like something this loudmouth texas boy who loves his mama would say. he is super gifted athletically - part of that is genetic, part is his tenacious will to win. (since i am more the passive under-acheiver type, this is kind of a turnoff) and he fights as hard against cancer as he does in his sport - but so do lots of unsung heroes. and the people who simply can't fight half as hard against their diseases are no less admirable. just weaker. just unlucky.
anyway, i haven't gotten to the part where he sets up his maybe i'm being too harsh.
or maybe i just can't read cancer stories right now?

speaking of fighting: i've never thought of myself as "whooping" this disease. if someone said, "you're going to beat this," i'd almost get offended - why would anyone even imply that i would not? i've used imagery lots of times - during marathon training, to relax while getting a massage/acupuncture, during meditation classes - but i didn't feel the need to do that w/the cancer. maybe the chemo just didn't make me sick enough. maybe if i felt worse, i'd picture the chemo smoking out those rogue cells. instead, i'd just go get the finger prick (eyes averted) and the needle stick (ditto - even when the needle popped out and blood started gushing). i'd read magazines as if i were just killing time before a haircut (ha ha).

i suppose i needed to think - or not think about it - this way. to call the good days my "chemo vacation" and nap on the bad ones. to always be pretty ok by the time the girls got home. to "attend" the treatments - perhaps w/out being fully present.
you can call it denial but i don't think it's cowardly orbrave - it just is.
the people who say i'm strong or whatever, they just don't know... the ones who've been thru chemo call me lucky and that's more like it!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have to say that i remember n2 at the first meeting with plastic...and yes, you are lucky, as we all are-for having you in our lives. your a lovely friend. sorry i missed the pillow fight, even tho it was so cold...big xo mia

9:01 AM  

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