Sunday, February 19, 2006

trapped

i didn't mention the visit w/margot, pablo, isaac and nona yesterday. that was the good part of the day.

in between was the usual crying and stalling and sturm and drang to just get the hell out of the house. this happens every single wkend. much more so than w/any family of four as one of us is practically agoraphobic (jo). since i have hotflashes and muscle aches and stomach pain and insomnia, i really lost it and yelled. this usually snaps jo out of her crying (which is worrisome in another way since she suddenly turns into perfectly sweet child - because i've scared her) and plunges lou into despair for me being so "mean."

my eye is twitching just thinking about this again. another side effect of chemo lately (and something i used to do just as a trick) but now it is very telling.

since tucker went to Ohio this am i thought today would be easier - just one parent stearing. but jo has already cried that everyone hates her - then she ran into the darkened bathroom until i made her come out. the cause seemed to be that her friend maya is busy today and - of course - the mention of homework. we're hiring a math tutor so maybe that will help boost the self-esteem and keep tuck and i out of the line of fire.

but back to today...i was able to talk her off her mental ledge w/the offer of going to see Nanny McPhee. unfortunately, it's not playing at union square. now comes the fighting over taking the subway...
you make it seem like it's a CRIME to dislike the subway!
if we can't take a cab, i'm not going
you're so mean
i'm not like other people!

yesterday, she whimpered, "why aren't i normal?"

this has got to stop, but the mention of therapy brings another tirade: i'm finished w/therapists!
she went last summer for 5 sessions to a very nice woman and claimed that she liked her but was dying to finish (unfortunately, the 5 session agreement that we'd made ended right after i was diagnosed)

i've told tuck and jo that we all need to go as a family to work this out. i thought the fact that her friend is going to a therapist in the bldg right next door might help. i've got to work on this.

meanwhile, i feel like crap again today. i had decided to stop taking ativan as my nightly sleeping pill (.5mg), but that didn't work out very well the past 2 nites. around 3 am i gave in both nites. after looking at the project runway site for an hour. how pathetic. last nite i tried sleeping on my left side (which takes a lot of maneuvering w/pillows to avoid pressing on the horrid valve) and when i moved, my left arm brushed against my side so hard that i swear i felt the valve move an inch. ouch.

i talked to a friend this a.m. about how i was feeling ill-ish. i know people mean well, but i REALLY can't stand it when i am telling someone this and they say, "well, at least you know it's finite" and other helpful look-on-the-bright-sides. i KNOW that!! at least i am not a starving child in africa! it also makes you feel guilty for complaining at all. like i should just shut up and count my lucky stars. and i already have that talk with my catholic guilt self enough so i don't need any lectures on it. if this were coming from someone w/cancer i wouldn't care. one friend once said, "well, at least you know it's curable," but that seemed appropriate as her mother was dying of lung cancer.
anyway, i know this friend didn't mean it to come out the way it did. in fact, if just a few words - or an intonation - were different here and there, it would've been much easier to swallow. "hang in there!" just sounds better to me.

ok, i've wasted enough time picking apart my friend's good intentions.

gotta tend to the kids and what we're going to do today...

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